a figment of imagination

Crying isn’t going to solve anything though. I made this mistake and now I have to deal with what I said. Its just that simple. I went and read everything I wrote on here and realized that I never write my good feelings on here. I write those in my journal because I actually sit down and think about what I’m saying, because those words mean something to me. Those are words I want to be able to look back and read and remember, not the ones I write on here that I just want to forget. I personally sit down and think out my thoughts because they mean that much to me. They are something I want to remember, not all the anger. So I’m going to post the letter I wrote the day of my graduation, that I didn’t give to my bestfriend because I wasn’t finished..the letter that I finished the day I dropped him back off. It came after what I wrote on here. I doubt this will change anything and I doubt he even reads this anymore but I have to get it off my chest. I would call and read it to him because I want him to read it first, like I planned on, but I would cry all through reading it and I doubt he even cares anymore. but whatever here it goes.

Dear Tyler,

   So when I said that I was going to write everyone a letter, I bet you didn’t think that you were getting one…but you are haha. I’m not the greatest with expressing myself so I just wanted to let you know everything, put it all out there, so you know for sure how much you mean to me, in case I ever gave you a reason to doubt it.

   Never in a million years would I have thought we’d be bestfriends. No lie, when you text me randomly last summer, I predicted we’d talk for like a week. But I am so glad I was wrong. I can’t imagine how my senior year would have been without you. At first when you would tell me that you would never hurt me or leave me, I was just like whatever you were just telling me what sounded good but you still haven’t broken your word, and I love you for that. Even though I thought you were emotional aft first, I’m glad some of you has rubbed off on me. I’m probably more open with you than I am with anyone. I think I’ve toughened you up some too haha thuglife. I know I talk about not wanting to be emotional but you’ve definitely helped me express myself more. Being friends with you a big adjustment for me. In the past, I’m always so quick to just cut people off and not express myself at all but with you. You never let things go that easily…which is why we’re still friends today. Me and you have definitely had our problems but like I said, I’m glad I meant enough for you to not let it all go. A lot of our problems came from me saying things on twitter instead of to you and I’m really sorry for that. I know you say I’ve never hurt you but If you said some of the things I said, I know I’d be hurt, and again I’m really sorry again for that. But im glad we went through those moments because I think we’re better friends because of it and it made me better at talking to you.

   I might not say it all the time but I really do love you. If we weren’t friends anymore, it would break my heart. I would do anything in this world for you…I don’t want you to ever doubt how much you mean to me. I honestly love every time we hang out. It was nice just being able to chill at your house when you lived here…you were just a few minutes away if i needed you. I don’t think I realized how much time I spent with you until you left. but we still have forever to make up all our missed time. When I first noticed how open you were with saying I love  you, it freaked me out haha. Those words were just not words I used lol. But i never said it and didn’t mean it. I think that as we got closer, I just felt it more. I guess my love for you grew but it was always there. Now I have no problem telling you I love you and I promise its 100% geniune. I would never tell you that and not mean it. I just want you to know I will always be there for you no matter what. I’ll never leave you Tyler. You mean the world to me. I hope you’re always my bestfriend until we are old and I’m feeding you mac n cheese and you’re feeding me poptarts before we die lol. I can’t imagine my life without you in it so better keep your word and never leave me, or I will kill you haha I love you Alexander aka boodaddy <38

Love Nicole.

Like I said i don’t expect this to change anything, I know I messed up and I have to live with what I said, even if I didn’t mean it. There probably aren’t enough words on this planet that can take away what I said, and I have to live with my mistakes. I just hope that some of these words actually meant something to him and made him rethink everything that he read before. I just don’t think there is enough I can say to say I’m sorry. I want everything back to the way it was even after we took things too far, I still want that and I don’t want anything to change. I don’t think he still loves me anymore and just writing that makes me start crying again. I don’t think he trust me anymore, I’m just like all his other friends. I loved what I meant to him before I said what I said. Now I don’t know what I am to him. I feel like nothing. I know he can’t tell me what I want to hear…I just want to hear something. anything. 

I hate what I said because I didn’t mean it. I say things I don’t mean out of anger which I’ve noticed is a problem and I’ve tried to change. It’s like when you’re mad at your mom and you say all these things about how you hate her and you wish she would disappear and the next morning you’re up and you tell her you love her because all that hate you felt before didn’t mean anything. thats how my feelings are. No one will ever understand how I have NO ONE to talk to. This is my only place to vent. Yeah i should learn how to tell people when I’m upset with them but I understand you can’t take what you say back, so i write it on here and let it go. Thats just how i work. These things were never meant to be read, just a way for me to blow steam off.

I can’t stop crying right now and I don’t think I’ve known a feeling this bad. I feel like I lost one of the only people I could be open with. just when I thought I was out of my feelings, I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom. I think im just so upset because I’m the one who said it and I can’t take back what I said. I get that. I really do. but I wish the words I’m saying now actually meant something…I know they don’t. I could tell. Keep saying things won’t change but if we can’t go back to how they were before, than how can they stay the same.

I just wish I could stop crying.

stop writing shit that I don’t mean when I’m mad..ha

it ALWAYS backsfire 

smh at myself once again.